Letters of Solid Snake
by Captain Black Knight
Summary: Solid Snake, infamous mercenary and newcomer to Smash Mansion, writes to his associates, making various complaints about things - especially his box - and talking about the fellow Smashers in the Mansion. For Star's Letters Challenge. Honor: Best Humor!
1. Chapter 1: Otacon

Author's Note: So after Star made the final judgment on the Letters Contest, I noticed that my entry received an honorable mention: Best Humor! Therefore, this is definitely something worth reading. Enjoy!

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To My Nerdy Friend Otacon,

Well, I'm here in the world of Super Smash Bros. Brawl, and I must say this: it's pretty awkward to be surrounded by dozens of Nintendo characters (except maybe Sonic, but he doesn't matter enough, anyway). So yeah, this begins my moment of complaints.

I should tell you that I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms right now. No, they didn't take away my cardboard box, thank God! What I mean is that the people of Nintendo won't let me smoke my cigarettes. They claim that a smoking video game character is a bad influence on young audiences or something along those lines. If you ask me, I think that's incredibly stupid. I know that this Brawl thing is rated T, but seriously, come on! Is it really that bad to see a cigarette on the screen? I've seen plenty of people in other T-rated games with cigarettes and alcohol, and nobody complains to them about it, now do they? – Sigh – they couldn't at least give me some nicotine gum, could they? I'll have to talk to Nintendo about that.

So, what else can I complain about? Oh yeah, I'm really getting sick and tired of people touching my cardboard box. You might think of me as being way too OCD about it, but you would be, too, if people kept touching your only source of privacy and stealth. I just wish that people would give my box some respect, especially that blue dog, Lucario. Oh wait, there are a few people that do respect my box: people like Link, Samus, Luigi, Zelda, Meta Knight, etc.

That brings me to another subject. There are few people in Smash Mansion that I can tolerate, let alone admire or respect. Those few people have the honor of not being constantly beaten to a pulp by my hands (outside of battle). Some of the people I mentioned above are examples. You probably have very little idea about whom I'm talking – save for their battle abilities – so I'll describe them to you.

Luigi is one of those guys who tend to be very timid and easily intimidated by most of everything that is even the slightest threat. I think he's afraid of me, since he often shows me a whole lot of respect when he's not scared enough to run away. As much of a coward he can be, he is also very smart. He knows not to mess with me or my box.

Meta Knight – oh, how do I even begin to describe him? Well, he's quiet and intimidating. He sort of reminds me of myself. I like him for the fact that he's a formidable fighter and that he's a realistic character. Some of the others with whom I hang around in this mansion are way too optimistic for my tastes, and he's one of the few down-to-earth guys whose attitudes don't agitate me. Although, something about the guy bothers me: he never takes off his mask. Normally I like to talk to people when I can see their complete faces, but he never reveals his face, so talking to him can sometimes be awkward, even for my mercenary standards.

There is also Lucario; yeah, the blue Pokemon I mentioned before. I respect him, too. Why? The reason is that he is also a rather formidable opponent. He sure is one mysterious character, though. He's not very talkative, and he tends to show off a very serious nature, as do I. However, when he does speak up, he starts some interesting conversations. I tend to talk to him if I need to vent. If you ask me, he could be my friend if he would just STOP TOUCHING MY BOX!!!

Anyway, sorry for that outburst. So who's next? Oh right, Link! Yeah, he's one of my favorites in the Smash Mansion. I don't have very many friends (besides you, Mei Ling and the Colonel, of course), but Link is one of the few friends that I have in the mansion. In fact, I think that he is the only true friend I have. The others are mere acquaintances. You might wonder why Link is my one true friend. Here's the reason: he was the first person in Smash Mansion to reach out to me. He showed me around the place and introduced me to some of the other residents. He brought me up to date on everything about Smash and he also agreed to train with me. I could be training with Captain Falcon or Ganondorf, but both of those guys really bug me, in more ways than one – damn box bullies! Anyway, Link is also a really cool guy. He's pretty optimistic, but not nearly enough to disgust me; he has to be, since he's a hero and all. We hang out together all the time (except when I need my box time), and we joke around and talk about pretty much everything, including the one topic that almost no one else can talk about with me: women.

That brings me to my next person, Zelda. When I first met her, I figured that she was merely a frail princess who could barely fight, but then I learned the hard way not to mess with her (even when the Colonel warned me not to underestimate her). After a while I got along with the princess. I learned that she is pretty nice, and she is smart. I just wish that she would be a little less dependent. I can't even begin to count how many times she's been kidnapped (same with Peach). Oh yeah, I also heard a rumor from an anonymous source that Zelda has a love interest for me. I find that odd, since I assumed that Link was her boyfriend, but I guess I'm wrong; seems like both of them are single. Now that I think about it, she has been hinting her feelings around me for quite some time. Damnit, now it really bothers me! I'm not really sure how to react to this, especially since I kind of have a love interest for someone else: Samus Aran.

Samus is the one woman in Smash Mansion who really catches most of my attention. Have you seen her? She's pretty hot; you have to admit. I can barely keep my eyes off her—or those features of hers. But anyway, her beauty is not the only reason I like her. She's also smart, independent, incredibly strong, and she has a good sense of humor. I've learned not to get on her bad side, especially when I thought that she was a guy beneath her Power Suit at first. Yep, I like her, but I have no idea what to do about that, and – you know what, I'm not even going to ask you, you computer geek. I'll just talk to Mei Ling about that, all right?

Wow, when did I learn to be so descriptive? Whatever; hey, I have to get going. The dining hall is about to serve some pretty amazing grub. Besides, I'm getting really shaky without my cigs, and my handwriting is beginning to suck as a result. I should really go talk to Master Hand about that nicotine gum. So yeah, I'll write you sometime later when I get the chance.

Sincerely,

Solid Snake

P.S. Did I mention that I hate it when people touch my box? No one messes with the box!


	2. Chapter 2: Colonel

To My Crazy Yet Awesome Colonel,

I previously wrote a letter to Otacon about my experiences at Smash Mansion, but I got bored again, and so I decided to write to you. I have a question: did you send me that order of cigarettes that I requested a while ago? It's been a week or two since then, and I'm beginning to grow impatient about it. Don't take offense to it, though. I'm just becoming rather uneasy, especially since Nintendo refuses to let me have my cigs; Master Hand can't even do anything about it, except to give me nicotine gum.

You see, I've been chewing on this nicotine gum for about fifteen minutes now, and I don't think it's been doing its job quite as well as I wanted. It helps a little bit, but nothing beats those real, addicting cigarettes. I can't take it much longer, so I need them now.

Okay, it's time to take my mind off that by telling you about my adventure in Smash Mansion. So, how should I start? Oh, so that Pokemon, Lucario, keeps touching my cardboard box, even though I warn him not to do so. I don't think he's getting the message. I'm getting pretty close to beating the tar out of him, but I've been putting it off only because I know that he could beat my ass pretty badly, should he decide to retaliate. Well, he's not the only one who keeps messing with my box. Some fat dude called Wario keeps kicking it just to spite me, and I've been sending threats to him in an attempt to deter him from continuing that. I really should just put a sign on the box that says, "DO NOT TOUCH MY DAMN BOX!" Do you see what I mean?

Well, enough about my box for now. What else can I say? Oh yeah, I managed to freak out Luigi again. Now, don't you go all 'La Li Lu Le Lo' on me, Colonel; I don't want to hear it. Anyway, I was hiding in my box, and I crawled out of it just as Luigi passed by. He flipped out and ran away, thinking that I was going to kill him or something like that. Now that was funny! I also walked by Wolf, who was hanging by a bungee cord tied to his foot for some odd reason. I was going to let him down, but then I remembered the prank he pulled on me a while ago (I won't elaborate), and so I left him there to suffer from humiliation – and the blood rushing to his thick head.

What's next on my list? Oh, so I was hanging out with Link as usual, and we were having a conversation over coffee. Did I mention that Link makes really good coffee? It rivals, possibly surpasses, even Starbuck's Coffee! Ahem, anyway…so after a few rounds of Texas Hold'em with a few other Smashers, Link and I decided to talk about stuff in private. What do the girls call it…gossip? At least, that's what I heard from Peach. Well yeah, we gossiped. We talked about how Ganondork apparently cheated in the stock market and how he was busted for that. Sucks to be him, losing all that money. Captain Fail attempted to graffiti my box – again. I almost broke every bone in his body with my own version of a 'Falcon Punch', and – damnit, I told myself I would stop mentioning my box! I really need to stop doing that. Moving on…we also mentioned that Marth(a) was having sexuality issues as usual. He still claims that he is not a girl, but most of the others are convinced otherwise. We think that he's still hitting on Ike no matter how much he tries to deny it. Ike, meanwhile, is still trying to hook him up with Pit…good luck with that, punk.

Oh, so I also had some girl trouble today – you know, the whole Samus and Zelda thing? Well, I should just ask Mei Ling about that; no offense, man, but you're not exactly an expert on women. I managed to get my mind off it by experimenting with one of Olimar's Pikmin. I wanted to see what they tasted like, so I stole one and cooked it up – I'm sure he wouldn't miss just one of those little guys. The taste was odd, by the way, but it was really good with a touch of Tabasco sauce. Mmm...

Well, I'm going to bed now, so I'll write back to you sometime later. Don't forget to send my cigs if you haven't already. I'm running out of nicotine gum. Got it? Good, thanks, Colonel...wow, my handwriting still sucks.

Over and Out,

Solid Snake

P.S. Tell Otacon to stop sending me fan fictions of his Yaoi fantasies; it's really starting to bug me. Oh, and…Cardboard Box! Lol

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Author's Note: Yay, I updated sooner than expected! So how did that turn out? I'm hoping the humor is still there - I tried. So this is part 2 of Snake's writings. There will be one more for Mei Ling, of course. Again, you can read my other fan fiction while you're waiting. I hope to post the last part of this soon.

By the way, I coudn't help but add the box in there again. It's just a vital of him, isn't it? XD Reviews are nice, thanks!


	3. Chapter 3: Mei Ling

To My Chinese-Proverb-Loving Friend Mei Ling,

I'm in a good mood today, so I decided to write to you. My order of cigarettes finally arrived today (courtesy of the Colonel), and I'm glad to be using one right now. Don't get me wrong – nicotine gum is fine and all, but I can't just suddenly quit smoking cigs. Aren't quitting processes supposed to be taken nice and slowly, anyway? Well whatever, I'm getting off topic.

So this past week has been interesting. Some weird stuff occurred, and I couldn't help but laugh about it. For example, someone decided to deck Meta Knight in the head with a brick, and since then he's been acting like an idiot, yelling random things like "Cheese is a government conspiracy!" and "What the f—kittens! Hit him with the chair!" Yeah…weird stuff, huh? What else happened? Oh, so Falco and Sonic decided to create some new concoction in the kitchen, even though Peach told them not to do so. They're not the best cooks, so obviously the results would be bad. But get this—they caused the entire kitchen to explode! Mario had to FLUDD the whole place out just to put out the flames, and Master Hand punished the two blue idiots by putting them on cleaning duty for the next month. Sucks to be them, the bastards…

Well, I was hanging out with Pikachu the other day – he wanted me to play with him. Everything was fun and all, until I accidentally stepped on his tail. I'm sure that Pikachu was not happy with that, since he gave me the biggest shock of my life, literally – or maybe it was just an involuntary act. Nonetheless, I wasn't too happy about that, either, and I was going to make him pay for that, but the little rat was just too damn cute to hurt, so I left him alone…for now, anyway. I think Samus found out about that somehow, and she was slightly miffed at me.

Oh, speaking of Samus, I should tell you that I'm having some girl trouble these days. As I have said to Otacon before, I have a crush on Samus, but Zelda has a crush on me. Matter of fact, I just learned of a giant love ring – if that's what you can call it. It goes something like this: I like Samus, Samus likes Link, Link likes Peach, Peach likes Pit, Pit likes Sheik, Sheik likes Marth, Marth likes Ike (weird), Ike likes Zelda, and Zelda likes me. Captain Falcon, Mario, and Luigi are left somewhere on the outside. Yeah, it's chaotic; you know what I mean? Did you write all of that down? Oh, I should probably mention that I'm going to break every bone in Captain Falcon's body if he tries to hit on Samus again. What, I'm serious!

To get to my point, I have no idea what to do about the ladies. Over the past few weeks, Zelda has been flirting with me, and I've been acting friendly with her, maybe even beginning to like her a bit. However, that isn't stopping my undying crush on Samus, who has been beginning to notice me more as time goes on. But this is causing a problem: the more Samus acknowledges me, the more Zelda becomes jealous of her. I think that Samus is even becoming jealous of Zelda – but Samus likes Link, doesn't she? Or is she turning away from him and turning to me for attention?

Ugh, now this is really starting to give me a headache! Apparently Zelda and Samus have now formed a female rivalry. Samus won't even attend Peach's tea parties anymore if Zelda is anywhere near them, and Peach is rather upset by that. Not to mention that Link found about Samus' crush on him, and even he doesn't know what to do about it. We talked extensively about this last night. We're both friends and men who are very confused about love, and it seems like there is very little that both of us can do about this…I'm just hoping that this whole mess doesn't end up tearing us apart. Link is my best friend, after all, and I don't know what I would do without him. Oh, did I mention that Zelda and Samus broke out into a fully-fledged catfight today?

And so, this is why I turn to you for help and advice. You are a woman, after all. Quick, summon some Chinese proverb that can assist me! Do it now! Oh well, I'll just wait for you to reply to me about this spiel. You better write back, or I'll go insane! What? My cigarettes can only help so much. Not even my cardboard box is doing any good! Yeah, it's that bad…

Well, I look forward to hearing your response. Don't bombard me with too many Chinese proverbs, now. That will only give me a bigger headache. As for me, I'm going to go back to smoking my cigs and hiding in my box – you know, to give me time to think this over.

Many Thanks,

Solid Snake

P.S. Aww damnit! I mentioned my box! I told myself I wouldn't mention my box, but there I go again! Dumb Snake…grrr…

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Author's Notes: Oh my God, there was some crazy stuff! I rather enjoyed writing this particular letter for some odd reason. That is some messed-up love ring right there, lol. Poor Snake and his box - NO! There's that box again! -slaps self- Ahem, anyway...

Well this concludes the Letters of Solid Snake. I hope you all enjoyed it, especially you Celebaby. I look forward to seeing the results of your contest. I'm glad to have participated. Thanks again, everyone! :-D

P.S. Go read "This World, Subspace, and Beyond" if you have't done so already. Pretty please??


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